I am supposed to be studying for my midterm. I have nooo motivation. I am so tired of these damn exams! I know I will be screwed tomorrow morning. I know I need to study, but it is just so hard to concentrate. I just want to quit school and travel the world. I wish it was that easy. I need someone to slap me in the face and tell me "If you don't succeed, you will never make it back to Europe!!" That should be enough.
Maybe I just need to slap myself in the face and tell me that! My mind keeps telling me that I will be fine, I am a smart girl and don't need to study all of these hours. But on the other hand, there is so many things I need to remember that is making me see I do need to study!
I just want to lie down and watch a movie while drinking tea. Ughhh! Can I just have my Ph.D already!?
24 February 2013
13 February 2013
When things change.
I am here at school sitting down listening to Tegan & Sara 's "Where does the Good Go?"and I can't help but think of a certain person. It's bizarre to think so much of him because we honestly never were anything but he was so much to me that it was something. I never kissed the guy, never did anything with him. But I did spend so much time with him. I shared cups of coffee, cups of tea, music, life stories, laughs, nights, days; so much. And for what? We don't even talk anymore like we used to.
Here is where I screwed up but I didn't really. I left to Paris and didn't talk to him while I was over there. Since him and I were never anything, and we never told each other how we felt about one another, we both continued with our lives. See it was this thing where we didn't have to say how we felt, it was just so apparent to everyone. I hardly even wanted to admit it to myself that I had this major liking for this guy! But I did. I would constantly have internal fights with myself on whether I should tell him how I felt. I figured, if he wanted to tell me how he felt, he could have; so with that being said, I never said anything. Yeah stupid me i know. But not really. He could be considered the stupid one as well.
So when I left to Paris, it was the Summer. He found someone. He gained a girlfriend, I lost a friend.
I thought that I would be heartbroken by the news. Especially since I had to find out by someone else. But I wasn't so much. I was sad and think of it still, but my reaction was more hurt. I was hurt because he is such a great person.He is so much of what I wanted and now he's everything I don't have. Man it sucks but I know its life. I try my best to avoid him now. We go to the same school and I haven't seen him since I found out. I don't know why I'm doing this, I just don't want to see him and make it awkward. I felt disappointed because I saw myself with him. I still do and that hurts as well. We get along so great. I just don't see why he isn't with me.
I wish I could have him back as a great friend. Fuck if we're not in a relationship, I just want that bond we used to have. We used to tell each other so much and now we sit in awkward silence. It's disturbing. I don't want anything to do with that. I don't know how I could possibly make it good between us. I feel I just have to be away from him until my feelings subside. Cause even seeing his face can remind me of so many things that I would love to get over.
Here is where I screwed up but I didn't really. I left to Paris and didn't talk to him while I was over there. Since him and I were never anything, and we never told each other how we felt about one another, we both continued with our lives. See it was this thing where we didn't have to say how we felt, it was just so apparent to everyone. I hardly even wanted to admit it to myself that I had this major liking for this guy! But I did. I would constantly have internal fights with myself on whether I should tell him how I felt. I figured, if he wanted to tell me how he felt, he could have; so with that being said, I never said anything. Yeah stupid me i know. But not really. He could be considered the stupid one as well.
So when I left to Paris, it was the Summer. He found someone. He gained a girlfriend, I lost a friend.
I thought that I would be heartbroken by the news. Especially since I had to find out by someone else. But I wasn't so much. I was sad and think of it still, but my reaction was more hurt. I was hurt because he is such a great person.He is so much of what I wanted and now he's everything I don't have. Man it sucks but I know its life. I try my best to avoid him now. We go to the same school and I haven't seen him since I found out. I don't know why I'm doing this, I just don't want to see him and make it awkward. I felt disappointed because I saw myself with him. I still do and that hurts as well. We get along so great. I just don't see why he isn't with me.
I wish I could have him back as a great friend. Fuck if we're not in a relationship, I just want that bond we used to have. We used to tell each other so much and now we sit in awkward silence. It's disturbing. I don't want anything to do with that. I don't know how I could possibly make it good between us. I feel I just have to be away from him until my feelings subside. Cause even seeing his face can remind me of so many things that I would love to get over.
12 February 2013
Since I've been gone!
I'm going to try and fill you in on what has been happening since I have been gone. UMS is a group I am in at school. A bunch of music loving college kids who put artistics events up. I go to csusb. So our events are mainly there. We had gone up to Big Bear on November12. It was a great time! We stayed at a cabin for the weekend and did what college kids do. I will let your imagination run wild but dont let it get too wild cause it was not like that! (I am the one on the bottom row with the green had)
I also went to Disneyland in December12! Such fun! I plan on getting my annual pass but think it wont be worth it since I travel too much out of country. But when I get the opportunity to go, I will take it and have a blast!
I started a 3d puzzle, then I stopped. (this was only the bottom layer)
AND I ATE ICE-CREAM! Thats always good! The sea salt caramel reminded me of the ice cream I had in Paris! Such deliciousness it was hard to handle!.
Its been a while!
So it's been such a long time since I last blogged! I couldnt remember my e-mail, password and it was a total mess! But I am back and I hope to stay that way!
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